Some simple things seem impossible to change. And some people seem impossible!
Are you in a relationship with an impossible person?
You probably didn’t intend for it to turn out this way. At the same time, impossible relationships don’t “just happen.” It actually takes two people.
It’s a conundrum. You’re don’t participate in the drama on purpose – you just get sucked in. You hope the other person will see the light and change, but he or she is, well….impossible.
Of course, you keep trying. You don’t want to just give up. And the more you try, the more impossible the situations gets.
Before long, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration and even rage set in. You struggle with these feelings and do your best to put on a happy face, pretending that everything is fine. Of course, this creates unspeakable anxiety because you know everything is not fine.
Chances are, you’d give anything to know how to overcome such arguments such as the following:
1. You have no idea what it’s like to be me. You don’t know what I’ve been through, so you have no right to judge me. (In others words, your opinion is irrelevant).
2. I screwed up, sure, but it’s not my fault. I never had good role models, so how I am supposed to just know what to do? (In other words, your expectations are the problem).
3. Why are you intentionally doing things that annoy me? (In other words, when you screw up, you are intentionally doing something that you know is wrong. Then, you consciously shift the blame elsewhere, so there’s no excuse for you.)
4. You never see my good intentions. All you do is criticize. I shouldn’t even associate with you because I need people who support me, not drag me down. Please try to adjust your negative attitude. (In other words, if you were a better person, I might consider changing. You have to be PERFECT before I will make any effort. And that’s never going to happen.)
5. Oh yeah, and you NEVER appreciate my good deeds. Like that day I picked up my dirty laundry off the bedroom floor, for example. You’d been bugging me about it for weeks! You have NO IDEA how I hate to be nagged about stupid stuff like laundry. Who cares? I have IMPORTANT things to do in life.
Anyway, so I finally DID IT. I picked up the frickin’ dirty underwear and stuff. And you didn’t even celebrate my success. Why should I bother to serve someone who takes me for granted?
(In other words, you should go nuts with joy whenever I make the slightest effort to the very basics that are my responsibility to begin with.)
6. When you finally pin me down and prove that you are right and I am wrong, I collapse into a black hole of despair, or go nuts and threaten to destroy things and hurt people. If were really in the wrong, none of this crazy shit would happen. I mean, its extreme. And I obviously have no control over it, so you must be violating some sacred law of the Universe or something.
(Few people would actually say this, but its an accurate representation of how some people act.)
Does any of this sound familiar?
I could offer a slick counter argument that would negate each of the above. However, no matter how clever the response, it still won’t work unless the underlying issue is resolved.
Your underlying issue.
The underlying issue has to do with why you are continuing to beat your head against a psychological brick wall. It’s self-sabotage. You know what you are going to get before you even begin.
The problem is, you are convinced that this other person is so irrational (and they are) that you can’t help but hope that you can change them – or that they will see the light. How can they not? Who can be so maddeningly impossible?
People can be this impossible. In fact, it is common. The better question is, why do you set yourself up to be rejected, controlled and deprived? If you know what is going to happen when you confront this person, why do you join in the pattern over and over again?
It’s complicated. You may be financially dependent upon this person. Or you may even fear them physically. Yet, the question remains. What keeps you so attached to the cycles of psychological misery in this relationship?
My suggestion is that you are suffering from self-sabotage, believe it or not. The solution is to learn what self-sabotage is and how it operates in the subconscious mind. Then, you won’t be compelled to hang onto a pattern that makes you miserable.
In other words, if what you are doing is not working, then you’ve got to consider other options. The best option is to look within yourself – deeply – and find the part of you that is clinging to the disrespect you are receiving. This part of you is holding onto – and even seeking – to be controlled, rejected, and deprived.
When you reconcile with this hidden part of your psyche, you can keep yourself from walking into pain over and over.
When you are no longer willing to set yourself up to be mistreated and disrespected, then your impossible partner will have a completely different experience with you. The dance will change. With this change comes some risk, as you well know.
Is it worth the risk? In my opinion, yes. But only you can answer that question for yourself.
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