I Hate My Life! A Story of Deep Transformation

I hate my lifeGreat leaders possess a strong sense of personal responsibility for their lives, their actions, and their word.

You cannot lead anyone (much less yourself) when you hate your life. For most of us, hating life is a victim stance with which I’m all too familiar.

Here’s how I turned it all around.

I used to wake up every day with that sickening chant going off in my mind.

I hate my life. I hate my life! I hate my life…!

This went on for years. And it was true. I hated my life. Still, I didn’t like being reminded of this fact at the dawn of every single new day.

In fact, I hated this morning ritual as much as any other element in my life. Some days I’d lie in bed for a half-hour after waking, too depressed to get out of bed and face the day.

Eventually, I’d realize that if I didn’t get up and get going, I’d have even more reasons to hate life.

Honestly, it was confusing.

I’d tell myself that I had nothing to hate about my life. Anyone looking from the outside would see I had all the major elements in place. No emergencies. No wars. No starvation. I was lucky, really.

I needed to just “let it all go and move on.” Yet, the next morning, the chanting would begin anew. I’d drag myself through each dreadful day, full of anxiety, annoyance and discouragement, only to drop in bed at night and sleep fitfully.

Now, I wake up most mornings feeling pretty great, in a good mood and looking forward to what I get to do during the day. At night, most of the time I feel satisfied and sleep like a baby.

What changed?

Everything.

Ten years later, I am in a different marriage, different career, different religious orientation, different house in a different city, driving a different kind of car, and enjoy different hobbies. I eat different food, wear a different style of clothing and read different books. And I am more financially prosperous than ever.

Most importantly, I am different on the inside. And this is why I am writing this to you. I’d like to tell you exactly what happened so that you may realize that it can happen to you as well.

How I stopped hating my life:

In a nutshell, I gave up my attachment to misery and stopped seeking it out. Of course, if you had asked me ten years ago if I was seeking misery, I would have denied it vehemently. Who seeks misery? Yet, that is precisely what I was doing. I didn’t realize it, but I was clinging to misery as if it were my only friend.

How did I stay attached to misery?

• I ignored all the red flags and married the wrong person.
• I ignored significant doubts about my religion and pretended to believe.
• I denied that my childhood had any impact upon me.
• I yearned for the approval of people who would never approve of me.
• I remained absolutely committed to things that made me unhappy.
• I put up a façade that suggested I didn’t have any problems.

That did the trick. That’s how I remained attached to a life I hated. That’s how I kept my misery alive and well.

And you know what? In the years since then, as I have interviewed hundreds of clients in my personal coaching practice, I have learned that I was not alone. This is common. So common it’s scary.

Worse, it is not necessary. You don’t have to feel trapped in a life that you hate. There are other options available to you. These options will not appear viable to you, however, until you realize what’s really going on within you and STOP the self-sabotage. You need to understand your reasons for not choosing happiness.

Why don’t people choose happiness?

It’s a question that bugged me for 25 years. If you know what could make you happy, why don’t you just do it?

You know that losing a certain amount of weight would make you feel great. Yet, you don’t eat right and exercise regularly.

You know giving 110% every day at your job will give you the best odds of success and prosperity, yet you find reasons to slack off.

You know spending more time with your family, friends or loved ones will bring peace into your heart, yet you blow them off.

You know that a spiritual practice of some sort will connect you to something greater than yourself, yet you don’t make the time.

You understand the dealing with problems and people is necessary in order to find relief from stress, yet you avoid those problems and people in one way or another.

You know being honest about your feelings and needs will lead to the best relationships, yet you don’t speak up.

And so on. I’ll bet you can write a solid list of what you could begin to do today improve your life. I could do the same at any point along my journey. Yet, during my miserable years, I avoided doing the very things that might have saved me from misery. It felt like I couldn’t do them. Why?

It became a personal quest. Why indeed?

So, I asked everyone I came into contact with. Fortunately, I am connected to some of the world’s brightest and successful people from all walks of life. You can see some of the people I have interviewed here.

Ultimately, I answered the question. I figured it out!

The answer is shocking. Yet, it is NOT as shocking as the sheer amount of needless suffering that people bring upon themselves every single day.

Here is the shocking truth: Subconsciously, you resist genuinely improving your life, because that means you’d have to give up your problems. Your problems are so familiar that you don’t know who or what you’d be without them. Since you don’t know what it’s like to live a truly fulfilling life, you cling to misery as if it were your best friend. Giving up the angst – letting go – is terrifying. And it does not even seem possible.

Letting go would mean releasing grudges, blame, resentment, self-criticism, fear and all manner of emotional baggage that has become part of your identity. Your subconscious mind is programmed for these familiar, negative states. They manifest on autopilot through negative psychological attachments. And you don’t even have to try – bad stuff just happens inside you as if it were the only reality that exists.

Of course, it is all false.

You are not your emotional baggage. You are capable of becoming far more, if you are willing to invest the effort and expand your consciousness. You can do it if you educate yourself about how negative psychological attachments take over your mind and convince you to give in, give up and accept defeat.

After 25 years of suffering (in spite of practicing and teaching some of the best personal growth tools) I finally got my mind around this and began to work my way out of hating life. Miraculously, I enjoy life now. Interestingly, NONE of the fears about giving up my old ways turned out to be true.

I did all this in the midst of a complicated divorce, a major exit from my lifelong religion (losing all my friends and social support system in the process), and the start up phase of a new business. I have six children that were also caught up in the process. So, DON’T tell me it can’t be done. You’d be barking up the wrong tree.

Begin to learn about psychological attachments and deep self-sabotage by watching the free and enlightening video mentioned below. Open your mind and heart to take this seriously. It’s powerful. These insights can lead the way toward true transformation if you open to some radical ideas about what’s really going on inside you.

If you like this article, then like my Facebook Page to keep up with all my writing.

About Mike Bundrant

Mike Bundrant is a retired psychotherapist, Master NLP trainer, and practicing life coach. He and his wife, Hope, co-founded iNLP Center in 2011.
Comments ( 15 )
  1. SunriseGuidedVisual

    I have always appreciated your complete honesty. Thank you!

  2. synrgii

    Good article. Hard to give up the old without something better and eventually more comfortable to replace it with. BTW – What religion were you previously?

  3. katy

    BS. What are you talking about? In 2012, I decided I had had enough and I decided to lose weight. Within 18 months, I had lost 50 pounds. And it was easy. Now I look good and that makes me feel good and I am sooo proud of myself. But I am still depressed and having constant anxiety.
    You say “You know spending more time with family, friends, etc will make you feel better, but you blow them off” What if part of your problem is that YOU DON’T HAVE A LOVING, SUPPORTIVE, NURTURING FAMILY AND YOU NEVER HAD ONE. What if they are the source of a lot of your misery? And what about if you’ve been depressed for so long that you hardly have any friends left and your anxiety is so bad, you can’t get out of the house to see them anyway or to make new ones?
    You say you have been miserable so long, you wouldn’t know what to do if you weren’t miserable. Wrong again. I would do the things I used to do before I got so depressed I could hardly get out of bed and had such horrific panic attacks, it was hard for me to even go to the grocery store. I would be out hiking and riding the bike trails, and traveling, and just enjoying the heck out of being able to leave my house without always worrying if I was going to be okay or if I was going to have a meltdown. That alone would make me enjoy the mundane things. the little things that people do every day without giving it a thought.
    I guess this page is for people who are just plain miserable and not diagnosed with a biological chemical imbalance. Because despite it, I am not a miserable person. I do not get up every morning hating the day. But I hate the disorder and am totally frustrated with it. Because I can lose 50 pounds, I can accomplish great things, but I haven’t as of yet, been able to fix my broken brain.

    • synrgii

      @ Katy: Maybe Emotional Freedom Technique would help (a little). It can take some of the “edge” off particularly rough moments. Yoga can be good, although it bores me quickly. Also, maybe get away from all chemicals, eat only free-range & organic food (no bad hydrogenated, deep-fried, or vegetable oils either, only coconut/butter/animal fat), remove fluoride from drinking/bathing water, no cologne/perfume/smoke exposure, and no detergents/cleaners in the house/car. Just ideas that you are probably doing already anyway.

      You sound like someone with enough passion and spite (good spite) to eventually beat your challenge, or die trying. Either way there’s no shame in that. You’re already successful in my book. For what it’s worth.

      • katy

        @ synrgii Thank you for your response. It’s almost as if you read my mind because I told myself, 2014 is going to be my year. I will fix this stuff or die trying!
        My diet is pretty clean. In 2012 I went pretty much gluten, sugar, junk food, fast food free. I mostly eat now fruits, fresh veggies, greek yogurt, nuts, dark chocolate, eggs, lean meat with an occasional steak or burger. That’s how I lost the 50 pounds. I’m not super hard core about it. I treat myself to a small portion desert on occasion, mainly ice cream, rice pudding or 1 oz. bag of potato chips. And it is not a “diet” it is a lifestyle change. I will not go back. I have truly lost my desire for all that junk. I drink only filtered water, but will have to look into the fluoride thing. And also organic esp with the produce. And I hate chemical anything.
        Now, here’s what I have been doing. In December I went to a town 4 hours away to learn something called TRE, Trauma Releasing Exercises created by a man named David Berceli. It is a set of 6 simple exercises that anybody can do which causes the body to shake and to activate the psoas muscle which connects directly to the primitive brain, the flight or fight center. It is supposed to deactivate the stuck on part. TRE releases trauma energy stored in the body without you having to re-live or even be aware of the trauma. It is being used a lot on vets with PTSD, first responders, EMTs, etc. And David Berceli spends a lot of time in South Africa and the middle East teaching it to groups of around 100 people. Kids, teens, everyone because these are people who live with intense violence and trauma everyday and have no access to medical/psychological care. It is supposed to be fantastic. It is also very big in Europe. We are a little slow in the US because we are under the thumb of the AMA and big pharma who, IMHO, have no interest in you getting better because they are making billions off of you. So do a search on Trauma Releasing Exercises or David Berceli. There are also TRE pages on FB. Now, I haven’t been doing it because I have been having an extremely bad year due to a certain situation. But my trainer sent me some testimonials and videos and I don’t care how bad I feel. I am doing TRE every other day. It has been scientifically proven and is much easier than yoga or meditation.

        • katy

          @ synrgii I also “found” this place called Mensah Medical in Chicago. They treat the whole spectrum of “brain disorders” nutritionally, based on 30 years of research. They claim an 85% success rate. They do not just throw supplements at you. They do very specific, targeted blood work. They are looking for certain things. They found in me several key nutritional deficiencies and a key nutritional overload and have also treated me for intestinal candida and have me on cal/mag at bedtime and I now sleep through the night. I should be getting my supplements today. They are compounded so I only take 4 caps in the am and 7 at night. And it’s nothing more than vitamins, minerals and amino acids. They told me it could take 2 – 3 months to feel better but once I do, to work with my pdoc to gradually wean myself off the toxic, side effect ridden drugs that I take now and don’t help me all that much anyway. Check out their website. They are MD’s and they know what they are talking about. They do outreach clinics all over the US. I saw them in MD. And this protocol, BTW, is very big in Europe and Australia. Again, the US lags behind because of big pharma. I have 100% faith that this, combined with the TRE, is going to knock my socks off!

          • synrgii

            Katy,
            I really appreciate all that you shared here. I’ve been trying to do some research on it all, especially since I’m in the Chicago area myself. New concepts and growth, but alas: not much time. I’ll get through it though.

            I’ll tell you this, I have no doubt that you have the inner strength and natural tenacity to overcome your current obstacles, your future obstacles, and inspire and teach countless others in the process. Your life will be full from beginning to end. Not all with “good times”, but with a non-stagnant, passionate, rollercoaster of a life that really ends up being “full” so-to-speak. I like to ask people: “What do you want…A boring life?”

            Keep me updated. Thx.

          • katy

            Thanks synrgii! You must be a cat person! Me too. I have started my supplements and they are all good stuff designed to help the body mobilize it’s own metabolic processes, like neurotransmitters and energy. They put me on cal/mag at night for sleep and I am falling asleep easier and now sleep through the night and get out of bed about 1 1/2 to 2 hours earlier. (I was sleeping in pretty late!) I will try to keep you updated.

          • synrgii

            Hey Katy, how’s the Mensah Medical working out these days?

          • katy

            He synrgil, Not really sure. I do know my anxiety is gone. Not sure if it is the supplements or the fact that I just got fed up with it and really pushed myself to embrace it and not fear it anymore. I was willing to go out and lose control, pass our, cry, whatever because I knew that would never happen. I would feel like absolute crap but go out anyway. to my amazement, after about 10 minutes it totally melted away. If I did start to get anxiety, I would just say “Oh well, it’s just part of me and so what”. I have always heard, once you lose your fear of it, it goes away, because all it is anyway is us reacting to our own fear. So now I don’t have that feeling of dread every time I think of walking out the door and it is awesome. I am doing personal training and with the anxiety is was soooo mentally. Now, it’s just a physical challenge. I no longer worry when I start getting hot, sweating, or my heart beats faster. That’s what it is supposed to do!…………….As far as my depression, that has been kicking my butt, but I have a lot of situational stuff going on. My doctor started me on Lamictal, and don’t want to jinx myself, but it is awesome! Oh, I did stop the supplements because I wanted to find out if it was them or my perseverance that kicked the anxiety. I have been fine without them for a few months, but I think I will start them again anyway. Take care! Have a Happy Holiday and a great New Year!

    • Adrian R

      Hi Katy, it is absolutely amazing to hear that you lost the weight. How did you do it though, mentally? I wish I could, but I love junk food so much. But, I think it’s because of my depression and loneliness, it’s the only form of “love” I get, is the stuff I give myself. Nobody wants me or likes me, or wants to love me. I’ve tried everything to be more open to people, it just doesn’t work. Also, why do I have to lose weight simply to have some friends, are people that shallow? Anyway, I just wanted to say congratulations with the weight loss, you are a heroin in my book. I guess what I’m just asking is how did you give up the junk food? What made you not miss it anymore?

  4. Bobby Stranger

    Seems legit!

  5. kathee

    I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and isf he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor ([email protected]
    ) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor ([email protected]
    ).

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