4 Reasons Why Your Man Doesn’t Appreciate You

husband's attitudeAre you suffering from lack of appreciation from your man?

If so, you may find the following perspective on men to be very enlightening. It might even spur you into action to get the appreciation you deserve. It’s part of a larger work that I am involved in writing. I thought I’d test it out here to discover what you think.

There is actually a lot of research behind the information here. Forgive me, I am still compiling it. Mostly I’m interested in how these facts jive with what you know to be true at the level of intuition and experience in your life.

Does the following ring true for you, even though you may have never considered it before?

It all begins with what I am calling (for now) the holy trinity of facts about men:

Fact #1.

Good men don’t appreciate what they don’t earn (with the exception of narcissists, which require a totally different approach). They appreciate what they work for.

You want your man to see YOU and your mutual relationship as one of his greatest accomplishments in life. This means he MUST work to keep you. This is for his own good as well as yours.

Fact #2.

Good men take for granted what is abundantly available or what they will never lose. They love competing for scarce resources.

You want your man to feel so lucky that he is the ONLY one in the world who has WON you and to realize that he could LOSE you at any time.

Fact #3.

Many men harbor fantasies of being “players” with multitudes of women swarming about them, catering to their every sexual whim without requiring anything in return. It’s ludicrous. And it’s still true.

Of course, they would not ultimately value a multitude of partners that did not require anything of them. Men are only happy and appreciative when they work for what they get from women, continually. The problem is, they don’t necessarily know this consciously.

Given the above facts, here are 4 reasons why he may not be appreciating you

Reason #1.

He gets what he wants when he hasn’t earned it.

You make him his food. You bring him his beer. You wash his clothes and pick up after him. You’re raising his children. You give him sex. You give, give, give, right?

And you’d think it would occur to him to give something in return. Most likely, he works and earns a good portion of the living (but some men don’t even do that). But what about the rest of your life? What about the time together that matters most? What about the endless domestic to-do lists?
Duh. He doesn’t care.

What’s going on? Why doesn’t he put forth more effort? How does he not see your needs? Given that you are taking care of everyone in the house, you’d think it might dawn on him that nobody is taking care of you! And you need to be taken care of. If he doesn’t take care of you, who will? You need the respect and appreciation and the effort. You need to know he cares.

Is he just going to somehow get it one day and see the light?

No.

Will he wake up on his own and begin to be more conscientious?

No.

Is he just a broken, narcissistic pig?

Probably not.

The highest possibility is that he is a regular guy with a brain deeply programmed to follow the rules stated above.

If you give and give and give without requiring something in return – some form of work on his part – his primitive male brain will categorize you as less valuable. When men get something for free, they may appreciate it temporarily. If they keep getting it for free, they will devalue it for sure.

Reason #2.

He doesn’t believe he will lose you.

Most men are somewhat delusional about where they stand in their relationships. You’d think it would occur to him without any prompting that one day you’ll be gone if he keeps taking you for granted.

Nope.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That’s the typical man’s attitude. And he has no idea that the relationship is broken. Why not? Most likely because he keeps getting what he wants from you. And he is blind to how you are actually feeling about him, even if you have explained yourself to him clearly.

Even if you’ve told him how upset you are, it may never penetrate his thick skull as long as he is still getting everything he needs. (I know, it’s not fair).

He may not take you seriously when you explain your needs without forcing him to experience the reality that you are a precious resource that does not renew automatically. I am not suggesting manipulation here, but backing up your requests with a greater level of seriousness.

This is why men don’t respond as well to pleas and nagging. They respond to experience. When he has experienced what you feel and how it will surely impact his life, he will mobilize his resources to keep you happy. Again, not manipulation – just honest experience.

Reason #3.

He thinks he can get away with fantasizing about other women.

A lot of men like to cling to fantasies of endless love slaves even after they have committed to one woman. They keep skanky calendars around. They subscribe to magazines like Maxim. They’re scoping out all the eye candy around them throughout the day, flirting with the pretty little skirt that hangs around the office, chatting up the ex-girlfriend from high school on Facebook, and engaging in all manner of nonsense, both online and off.

If you’re OK with all that, you’ve just compromised yourself. You’re sending the message that YOU are not worth his undivided attention. When your man discovers that his silly fantasies pale in comparison to the fulfillment that his possible when he invests solely in his relationship with you, he will let it all go.

Reason #4. Grand daddy of all reasons:

You are ignoring the above reasons and waiting passively for him to change. 

And while you are waiting for the magic to finally happen, you passively allow reasons 1-3 to run rampant in your relationship. You don’t have to put up with it.

Yet, if you fall on the wrong side of the holy trinity of facts, then your man will not be able to appreciate you. It’s not your fault. It’s not his fault. It’s just the truth. When he begins to see you as an ever-available resource that he does not have to do anything to earn, his mind will begin to wander. He will ultimately devalue your relationship, take you for granted and rest on his laurels, no matter how miserable either one of you might be.

There is one thing that you can get right and help any relationship you are in. Watch the video below and it will help you understand why you might be in your current relationship and what you can do to make it better.

 

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About Mike Bundrant

Mike Bundrant is a retired psychotherapist, Master NLP trainer, and practicing life coach. He and his wife, Hope, co-founded iNLP Center in 2011.
Comments ( 31 )
  1. Janel S

    Really good points. I recognize them as true when I read them, although I couldn’t have said it myself. This doesn’t come naturally and definitely needs to be pointed out. So thanks for that. I’m gonna keep this somewhere and read it again later and probably again.

  2. Gigi

    Good Stuff!

  3. SidG

    First off, amazing principles AND ideas in this article. I’m not one to actually look for errors, but I would want to know if someone noticed it in my writing. At the end of the article, under the “Granddaddy of all…..” heading, could those words have been transposed after “passively?’

  4. JM

    Thanks, Mike! I am looking forward to a follow-up article on this….

  5. bango53

    this really rings true, I have been married for 43 years, its really been different levels of hell, being in this relationship. everything you brought up in your article he acted out, very dysfunctional. waiting for the other half of this article.btw he has mellowed and slowed down some but still offensive and distant towards me.

  6. Disappointing!
    If this is based on research it’s extremely narrow research. The “truths”you outlined are stereotypical of a significant sub group of men, but should not be generalised across the population. It would appear that your population sample was based upon men who are somewhat immature, have lower socio economic backgrounds, or do not have higher education. You mention nothing of men’s sexual needs or need for emotional connection which are primary when it comes to appreciating a partner.

    Russell Kennard, Research Psychotherapist.

    • Francesca

      I want to believe that Russell is right. I am still healing from a bad relationship which is very well described in many points in this article. I agree that I am to blame for putting up with poor behaviour. Still I want to believe that there are also men who want to grow, who don’t just like to chase, who don’t need to be constantly trained to behave in a decent way. I’m not good at playing games, and I don’t see the point of being in a relationship where I don’t feel safe.

      • Agreed. There are good men out there who put forth effort to show their appreciation, practice reciprocity and want the women in their lives to feel special and safe. In my view, good men are willing to invest themselves and their efforts. To me, none of this is a game. These are principles to live by.

      • GumaJ

        Francesca, I am there with you.

        After leaving my husband I felt as if I could breathe for the first time in years. I felt so free in not having to be on guard to protect myself emotionally or to be on hand in social settings for damage control. I didn’t realize how codependent I had become. I had put up with a lot, thinking I could fix or train him. Then I met his family and came to understand that the ‘boys’ were not required to take responsibility for the I behavior.

        Even after some years of healing and developing myself, I gave up on the dating game because there were so many immature men that hadn’t been housebroken properly either. As a now single mom, I didn’t have the energy to take on another project of raising a large child.

        • Francesca

          Thanks for your feedback in this page GumaJ, very helpful and insightful. Good luck with raising your child, I am sure you’ll be an amazing mother 🙂

          • GumaJ

            Thanks, Francesca. As it turns out, I am a great mom and a great grandma! My kids are in their late thirties…

          • Francesca

            Aww bless! I’m 35 now, and I hope that one day I will find a man who has a mother like you 🙂

    • Russell — I agree this many of the points in this article may apply to a subset of men – most likely the men who do not appreciate the women in their lives- as suggested by the opening sentence: Are you suffering from a lack of appreciation from your man? This is a cursory attempt to establish the context for the article. I also believe in general that the “truths” mentioned are actually true. We tend to appreciate what we work to earn – take for granted what is abundantly available and harbor fantasies of sexual grandeur. I fear that attempting to place the violation or poor use of such principles as primarily a symptom of a lower socioeconomic or educational status would be a far worse stereotype. I’m quite sure there are educated and wealthy men who show extreme lack of appreciation for women. And I am sure there are lesser educated and poorer men who treat the women in their lives with the utmost respect. As for the immaturity piece – yes, I agree that men who do not appreciate women are immature.

      • Francesca

        Mike, I agree with what Russell wrote, but I think you’re right about the stereotype. While I think stereotypes are there for a reason, I can confirm by direct experience that you can find misogynists everywhere, among very educated people or upper classes (whatever that means). Sadly I think respect is something you learn in your family, but again I believe that you as an individual have the responsibility of unlearning wrong thinking patterns and behaviours, if you are mature enough to admit they are wrong that is.

    • Jemyma

      Russell, have you done any research to prove your point? One truth that all women know better than any man and any research out there is that the majority of men are what has been described in this article. Yes there are good men out there but we already know that the male to female ratio is very disproportionate with more females than there are men. So if most of us are to believe your version then we shouldn’t have as many complaints, should we. But that’s not the reality. I know this next statement is not scientific or backed by any scientific research but all women know the adage that we kiss a lot of frogs before we find our princes. Some of us don’t even find one and choose to never get married. This article is for those of us who find ourselves with frogs. Because the truth is there are a lot of men without good role models who end up married and spawning more men without good role models. If we the women can do something after the fact, i. e. train an old dog new tricks, because is possible, I welcome that information. It not only helps the majority of women with these kinds of men but society as a whole. And please, there are more immature men, with lower socio economic backgrounds or without higher education out there than you think. This article is for women who find themselves with such men.

  7. Suzanna Gamble

    Amazingly insightful! This has been so true for me and I’ll be watching for your follow up to find out how I can help myself in this relationship. Could it really flourish? I hope so.

  8. GumaJ

    Thanks for taking the time to consider and research this subject. I have a few suggestions. First, calling anything other than God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit the ‘holy trinity’ might cause you to lose some followers that could benefit from this needed discussion. Secondly, these behaviors are addressed often by the Church and are considered a lack of maturity, especially the part about fantasizing of other women (adultery of the heart) along with lack of a good role model for understanding true masculinity. I think you are off to a great start by identifying and addressing these age-old problems, and hope that the importance of good role models and choosing a partner with a strong value base is addressed in future discussions. Unfortunately, you might run the risk of looking like you are “blaming the victim” if you make the women responsible for changing her man without holding the male population accountable for coaching their own. However, having a man take up for the female population gives you 100 extra bonus coins right off the bat! Best of luck to you in pursuing this very difficult subject. I look forward to hearing more.

  9. Hi Francesca,
    Look for men who explore themselves in men’s groups. Especially MKP (Mankind Project) groups. (Google it) These are rights-of-passage training and are fairly widespread throughout the U.S. and the world. Good luck and trust your gut feelings.

    • Francesca

      Thanks for this bit of info, I’ll have a look. Hopefully they don’t exist only in the US 😉

  10. disqus_NWWpstMc53

    I have long maintained that “boys will be boys” is utter crap. “Boys” will be whatever they are led to be. Lead them to be respectful of other people, to cherish humans, to appreciate by doing so yourself and expecting it from them. Three sons later I can assure you it works. We can all learn to be different than “habits” or “reptile brains” or “instincts” or “past experience” if we choose to do so and are dedicated to not being pathetic excuses for a species.

  11. Bibi

    Thank you for a great article, but can I please add to this knowledge by giving you all something more to think upon in your relationships both with your partners as well as people in general.

    I am 70 years old now, have never married (from choice), but have been through several very traumatic relationships with men spanning a total of thirty odd years. Having learned much in my life, as well as having fervently studied the workings of the human mind probably since childhood, I am now authoring a book which I hope will help many in understanding, among other things, why their relationships sometimes go wrong.

    This is what I have learned: we are creating all the problems ourselves with what we believe and the way that we think!!! Yes, I know this sounds totally unbelievable but it is true. If we believe that our partner will go off with someone else, then, if we focus on that thought for long enough, then they will have no choice but to do so. If we feel we are not being appreciated for what we do, then look to how we are possibly not feeling good enough to be appreciated. There could, of course, be many reasons for the reactions that we get. Even on small things… If we ‘think’ that our partner might not like, say, something we have decided to wear for a party, then betcha life they won’t! They can’t! One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that people simply mirror what is in your mind. The reason for this is that our minds are all joined … we are all One in reality. But that’s another story…

    Whether religious or not, I think everyone will have heard/read that God created us in His Own Image. Think about that. If God is a Creator, then we must be creators too. We are literally creating our lives with every thought that we have!!!

    My book (which is very close to being completed after ten years of hard slog) goes into far more depth concerning our special relationships which would be impossible to cover here, but my advice is to just watch what is happening in your lives right now and attempt to connect it with what you are thinking or have been focusing heavily upon. You will eventually see that it’s not their fault but your own! Knowing this truth will set you free from any misery or pain. Think only loving thoughts about your spouse and you will be rewarded with loving actions. And never put yourself down in your mind because you will be put down in reality.

    • Khedra B Graham

      Hello everyone i want to share a live testimony on how Dr Alex was able to bring my husband back to me, myself and my husband were on a serious breakup, even before then we were always quarreling fighting and doing different ungodly act..
      My husband packed his things out of the house and we had to live in different area, despite all this i was looking for a way to re_unite with my husband, not until i met Dr Alex the great spell caster who was able to bring my husband back home, Dr Alex cast a love spell for me, and after some time i started seen results about the spell….
      Today my family is back again and we are happy living fine and healthy, with Dr Alex all my dream came through in re_uniting my marriage, friends in case you need the help of Dr Alex kindly mail him on( solutionhelpcentre@gmail.com ) or call him on +2347036013351, Sir i will forever recommend you!

    • Jemyma

      I completely agree with you. It might seem outlandish a concept but I predict this will be the next global paradigm shift in mankind when we truly embibe the understanding of the power of our minds. I would like to add something else here that might rub some people the wrong way but this is the ultimate sign of God. Faith can move mountains is derived from the power of the mind. God created the world with this same power and we create our realities everyday with this power. I also completely agree with the author of this article but I look at it from the perspective of willing one’s life into what it should be begins with educating ourselves on what it should look like. For me knowledge is the beginning of change and the power of the mind concentrated on that knowledge makes it a reality as our thoughts determine our actions.

    • Bebeluska BB

      Dear Bibi, I am interested to read your book! How do I find it?

  12. Samantha

    What if he just says…whatever..instead out working for it…

  13. Dawn

    This is exactly how I feel…it hurts

  14. Barry Kin

    OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony i have ever
    seen..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 20TH OF JUNE 2014,
    after my husband separated me and my marriage of 8 years was broken down
    and i was totally inconsolable and without hope because i have tried all
    means to get my husband back after much pleading and did everything
    possible to make sure that he comes back, but nothing worked out for me….
    And i saw a marvelous testimony with this email adress
    omozespelltemple666@gmail.com of this powerful and great spell caster called
    Dr Omoze on the forum.. And i saw how Dr Omoze reunited a family and
    brought the Husband of a woman back to her in just 24 hours..I never
    believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about magic before..
    Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not
    until Dr omoze did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me
    and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the
    internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my husband came to my
    house and knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him
    back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don’t know how much to
    convey my appreciation to you Dr omoze.. you are certainly a God sent to me
    and my entire life and family.. he did his work just as he guaranteed me in
    24 hours and it yielded an optimistic result to me and i was able to get my
    Husband back. right now my Husband has falling so much in love with me and
    my kids like never before. This spell casting isn’t brain washing but he
    opened up his eyes to see how much i love and wanted him, i really don’t
    know how best to be grateful to you Dr omoze for bringing happiness into
    my life and family, and now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his
    Email: omozespelltemple666@gmail.com, or connect him with these number +2348036640164

  15. Barry Kin

    OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony i have ever
    seen..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 20TH OF JUNE 2014,
    after my husband separated me and my marriage of 8 years was broken down
    and i was totally inconsolable and without hope because i have tried all
    means to get my husband back after much pleading and did everything
    possible to make sure that he comes back, but nothing worked out for me….
    And i saw a marvelous testimony with this email adress
    omozespelltemple666@gmail.com of this powerful and great spell caster called
    Dr Omoze on the forum.. And i saw how Dr Omoze reunited a family and
    brought the Husband of a woman back to her in just 24 hours..I never
    believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about magic before..
    Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not
    until Dr omoze did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me
    and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the
    internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my husband came to my
    house and knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him
    back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don’t know how much to
    convey my appreciation to you Dr omoze.. you are certainly a God sent to me
    and my entire life and family.. he did his work just as he guaranteed me in
    24 hours and it yielded an optimistic result to me and i was able to get my
    Husband back. right now my Husband has falling so much in love with me and
    my kids like never before. This spell casting isn’t brain washing but he
    opened up his eyes to see how much i love and wanted him, i really don’t
    know how best to be grateful to you Dr omoze for bringing happiness into
    my life and family, and now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his
    Email: omozespelltemple666@gmail.com, or connect him with these number +2348036640164
    …..

  16. Barry Kin

    OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony i have ever
    seen..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 20TH OF JUNE 2014,
    after my husband separated me and my marriage of 8 years was broken down
    and i was totally inconsolable and without hope because i have tried all
    means to get my husband back after much pleading and did everything
    possible to make sure that he comes back, but nothing worked out for me….
    And i saw a marvelous testimony with this email adress
    omozespelltemple666@gmail.com of this powerful and great spell caster called
    Dr Omoze on the forum.. And i saw how Dr Omoze reunited a family and
    brought the Husband of a woman back to her in just 24 hours..I never
    believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about magic before..
    Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not
    until Dr omoze did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me
    and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the
    internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my husband came to my
    house and knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him
    back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don’t know how much to
    convey my appreciation to you Dr omoze.. you are certainly a God sent to me
    and my entire life and family.. he did his work just as he guaranteed me in
    24 hours and it yielded an optimistic result to me and i was able to get my
    Husband back. right now my Husband has falling so much in love with me and
    my kids like never before. This spell casting isn’t brain washing but he
    opened up his eyes to see how much i love and wanted him, i really don’t
    know how best to be grateful to you Dr omoze for bringing happiness into
    my life and family, and now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his
    Email: omozespelltemple666@gmail.com, or connect him with these number +2348036640164
    .

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