Getting Over Grief, What’s the Hidden Secret?

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Have you been looking for that hidden secret to getting over your grief? For thousands of years, human beings have been experiencing failures, deaths, and many other types of losses. Where’s the magic pill that will make it all go away?

We experience these events in many ways. Some of us process it with stride and move forward quickly, while others may be crippled by these same events while struggling to maintain a normal sense of existence. Either way, these experiences are what human beings call grief.

When people are attempting ways of getting over grief, they will do many different things to cope with it. There are two common things I see that most people do when they are getting over grief. First, they become a victim. Second, they become a mountain.

Two common behaviors when getting over grief.

First, let’s explore being the victim.

There are a lot of emotions that come with grief. Many experience sadness, others experience shame or even embarrassment.

This flood of challenging emotions comes running in like a raging river, and for some, it is the only defense mechanism option that they believe they have. So, they retreat and hide away from the grief and others to feel safe. When this action is repeated so many times, the person can become self-victimized by the grief. It becomes that situation you have either witnessed or have been in where you can’t get out of that rut.

In your mind, it appears that it is all happening to you and that you are to blame. Finally, bitterness sets in, and the action of becoming a victim of the grief is complete.

Please keep in mind that this is not meant to be insensitive. However, we could agree that this doesn’t appear to be the right approach to getting over grief.

Let’s now look at the person who is a mountain with their grief.

Individuals who take the mountain approach can have some of the same emotions as above. They may be experiencing sadness, embarrassment, or even shame. In addition to these emotions, they may also be experiencing anger, frustration, or other non-resourceful emotions.

Becoming the mountain usually leads to denial of grief. When this happens, people tend to show their feelings even less. At this point, they turn into the mountain.

At a glance, the mountain person may look majestic, well adjusted, secure, strong, and solid. However, they often become cold and jagged and difficult to interact with. They act like nothing’s wrong throughout their day, and they trap that grief like a prisoner. Once the thief becomes a prisoner, it then makes them the real prisoner.

When you are a mountain, people may think you are doing well, but odds are you are not.

The question now is how to get over grief? My answer is that we never get over it. We cannot control what happens to us in our lives. We also cannot erase the deaths, injustices, and wrongdoings that have been bestowed upon us that cause grief. Probably not the answer you wanted, but there is some good news.

Even though I believe that you can never completely get over grief, I believe that you can resourcefully manage it.

You can create a habit whereby you choose your perspectives about how to effectively deal with grief. You can do this by working on four skills:

  1. Get unstuck and create a resourceful state of mind.
  2. Strengthen your new resourceful states with new behaviors.
  3. Create motivation strategies to strengthen your new behaviors.
  4. Create new resourceful goals to stay motivated in your new behaviors.

Keep a couple of things in mind with these skills…

  1. Managing grief is a lifetime plan. It is essential to know that resourcefully managing grief is an ongoing process that requires regular attention. There is no magic wand or secret tricks to eliminate the pain of grief. It takes consistent work.
  2. You will likely need a coach to guide you. Managing your grief is not easy to do alone. It takes time, it takes practice, and often it takes someone that can help you learn and implement these skills.

In my battles with grief, I tried to find something magical I could do to get over it. Instead, I found a way to integrate it into my life in a resourceful way to reduce the pain and allow me to lead a happy life again.

If you are struggling with managing the grief in your life, know that you are not alone. You can still have a wonderful life. It is ok to reach out for help. The best news is that reading this article is your first step.  I would love to help you with your next step towards managing your grief and feeling a sense of happiness again.

I have lived through grief and still successfully managing it every day. Get help, get resourceful,  and live your life one day at a time. It is worth it, and you are worth it!

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Jeremy Sycks

Grief Coach at Jeremy Sycks Coaching
Jeremy Sycks is a NLP Master Practitioner, NLP Trainer, and a Certified Life Coach specializing in Grief Coaching. Jeremy is the founder of the grief coaching program “How to Cope with the Loss of a Loved One.”

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