Great leaders possess a strong sense of personal responsibility for their lives, their actions, and their word.
You cannot lead anyone (much less yourself) when you hate your life. For most of us, hating life is a victim stance with which I’m all too familiar.
Here’s how I turned it all around.
I used to wake up every day with that sickening chant going off in my mind.
I hate my life. I hate my life! I hate my life…!
This went on for years. And it was true. I hated my life. Still, I didn’t like being reminded of this fact at the dawn of every single new day.
In fact, I hated this morning ritual as much as any other element in my life. Some days I’d lie in bed for a half-hour after waking, too depressed to get out of bed and face the day.
Eventually, I’d realize that if I didn’t get up and get going, I’d have even more reasons to hate life.
Honestly, it was confusing.
I’d tell myself that I had nothing to hate about my life. Anyone looking from the outside would see I had all the major elements in place. No emergencies. No wars. No starvation. I was lucky, really.
I needed to just “let it all go and move on.” Yet, the next morning, the chanting would begin anew. I’d drag myself through each dreadful day, full of anxiety, annoyance and discouragement, only to drop in bed at night and sleep fitfully.
Now, I wake up most mornings feeling pretty great, in a good mood and looking forward to what I get to do during the day. At night, most of the time I feel satisfied and sleep like a baby.
What changed?
Everything.
Ten years later, I am in a different marriage, different career, different religious orientation, different house in a different city, driving a different kind of car, and enjoy different hobbies. I eat different food, wear a different style of clothing and read different books. And I am more financially prosperous than ever.
Most importantly, I am different on the inside. And this is why I am writing this to you. I’d like to tell you exactly what happened so that you may realize that it can happen to you as well.
How I stopped hating my life:
In a nutshell, I gave up my attachment to misery and stopped seeking it out. Of course, if you had asked me ten years ago if I was seeking misery, I would have denied it vehemently. Who seeks misery? Yet, that is precisely what I was doing. I didn’t realize it, but I was clinging to misery as if it were my only friend.
How did I stay attached to misery?
• I ignored all the red flags and married the wrong person.
• I ignored significant doubts about my religion and pretended to believe.
• I denied that my childhood had any impact upon me.
• I yearned for the approval of people who would never approve of me.
• I remained absolutely committed to things that made me unhappy.
• I put up a façade that suggested I didn’t have any problems.
That did the trick. That’s how I remained attached to a life I hated. That’s how I kept my misery alive and well.
And you know what? In the years since then, as I have interviewed hundreds of clients in my personal coaching practice, I have learned that I was not alone. This is common. So common it’s scary.
Worse, it is not necessary. You don’t have to feel trapped in a life that you hate. There are other options available to you. These options will not appear viable to you, however, until you realize what’s really going on within you and STOP the self-sabotage. You need to understand your reasons for not choosing happiness.
Why don’t people choose happiness?
It’s a question that bugged me for 25 years. If you know what could make you happy, why don’t you just do it?
You know that losing a certain amount of weight would make you feel great. Yet, you don’t eat right and exercise regularly.
You know giving 110% every day at your job will give you the best odds of success and prosperity, yet you find reasons to slack off.
You know spending more time with your family, friends or loved ones will bring peace into your heart, yet you blow them off.
You know that a spiritual practice of some sort will connect you to something greater than yourself, yet you don’t make the time.
You understand the dealing with problems and people is necessary in order to find relief from stress, yet you avoid those problems and people in one way or another.
You know being honest about your feelings and needs will lead to the best relationships, yet you don’t speak up.
And so on. I’ll bet you can write a solid list of what you could begin to do today improve your life. I could do the same at any point along my journey. Yet, during my miserable years, I avoided doing the very things that might have saved me from misery. It felt like I couldn’t do them. Why?
It became a personal quest. Why indeed?
So, I asked everyone I came into contact with. Fortunately, I am connected to some of the world’s brightest and successful people from all walks of life.
Ultimately, I answered the question. I figured it out!
The answer is shocking. Yet, it is NOT as shocking as the sheer amount of needless suffering that people bring upon themselves every single day.
Here is the shocking truth: Subconsciously, you resist genuinely improving your life, because that means you’d have to give up your problems. Your problems are so familiar that you don’t know who or what you’d be without them. Since you don’t know what it’s like to live a truly fulfilling life, you cling to misery as if it were your best friend. Giving up the angst – letting go – is terrifying. And it does not even seem possible.
Letting go would mean releasing grudges, blame, resentment, self-criticism, fear and all manner of emotional baggage that has become part of your identity. Your subconscious mind is programmed for these familiar, negative states. They manifest on autopilot through negative psychological attachments. And you don’t even have to try – bad stuff just happens inside you as if it were the only reality that exists.
Of course, it is all false.
You are not your emotional baggage. You are capable of becoming far more, if you are willing to invest the effort and expand your consciousness. You can do it if you educate yourself about how negative psychological attachments take over your mind and convince you to give in, give up and accept defeat.
After 25 years of suffering (in spite of practicing and teaching some of the best personal growth tools) I finally got my mind around this and began to work my way out of hating life. Miraculously, I enjoy life now. Interestingly, NONE of the fears about giving up my old ways turned out to be true.
I did all this in the midst of a complicated divorce, a major exit from my lifelong religion (losing all my friends and social support system in the process), and the start up phase of a new business. I have six children that were also caught up in the process. So, DON’T tell me it can’t be done. You’d be barking up the wrong tree.
Begin to learn about psychological attachments and deep self-sabotage by watching the free and enlightening video mentioned below. Open your mind and heart to take this seriously. It’s powerful. These insights can lead the way toward true transformation if you open to some radical ideas about what’s really going on inside you.
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